Spiritual Parenting: Say NO to Conventional Success

Last week I brought Deepak Chopra’s  best selling work; ‘The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success’ - a search on www.amazon.co.uk revealed that he also  had a book on Spiritual Parenting called: “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success for Parents”. I thought that this work would be particularly pertinent given my website, my role as a Lecturer and above all the responsibility I have as a parent.

The book is not really religious: it is just a soulful insight in to the difficult job of parenting. It includes a wholly alternative way of looking at parenting to the super-nanny form of parenting that  has become so popular – especially in the UK.

There were certain suggestions that touched me and I thought I would just briefly outline, I will start with what I believe to be one of his most pertinent thoughts:

Try to digest this statement:

‘Put no pressure on them (your children) to achieve conventional success. This can be your way of telling them it is them that they are being cherished for who they are and not what you necessarily want them to become.’

I don’t know why, but this really struck me. This seems so simple– almost obvious – but I believe it is something that most parents do not think about. These messages that we give our children are often extremely subtle and over the years – go to the child’s very core.

It’s not something that we would readily like to admit; however I believe that many Asian Families are directly guilty of this type of conditioning.

It boils down to the way that many of us were brought up. I often think about the a comment I heard Meera Syal say on a television interview, that it was not Tony Blair that said “Education, Education, Education” -  it was her mother! She then went on to describe that academic success in Asian households was almost as important as eating or masala chai.  That comment could quiet easily have been made by me or any one of my Asian friends.

The importance of academic success for British Asians can be seen in the exam results at both G.C.S.E. and A Level . British Asians also have the highest rates of going on to higher education.

In my household, as well as other Asian children that I knew, the objections were not even subtle or couched in syrup…disapproval was often direct and fearsome: Why didn’t you do as well as Hannah? Who got top marks in the exam? Why did you get a B – didn’t you work hard enough?

Can you recognise any of these comments? Perhaps you have witnessed or even commented that “ You must work harder at maths – you didn’t do very well in your last test.”

We must look in to this and try to move away from such detrimental attitudes – I am not sure they have changed so much. These are not words of inspiration – they are full of condemnation.
Children are adept at picking up even the slightest hint of disapproval at ‘achievements’. They can and will internalise these comments or even facial expressions, they may strive to earn your approval and if they still fail they may withdraw and stop trying altogether.

Children must learn to strive for their own approval.

Behavioural issues, lack of interest, fearfulness and low achievement at school is often the result of a child that suffers very low self esteem. This can often be the long term  effects of the pressure that the school system and parents put on children. S.A.T’s and testing from such an early age has probably put untold amounts of pressure and negativity on to children and parents – not to mention the teachers who feel as though their professionalism is at stake should the result be low.  Surely such measures are going to convey messages to children that they will only really be cherished if they ‘perform’ to what society believes are conventional measures of success?

It is tempting to nag, criticise, punish, condemn – this often results from our own issues and problems with esteem. It results from wanting our children to succeed but not quiet knowing how to help them appropriately: in a way that is conducive to learning and developing their self image at the same time.

There are many figures out there, but one that I thought was particularly distressing believes that children receive ten negative comments to every one positive comment in an average day, both at school and at home. What do you think that this level of negativity  will do to the image that the child has of himself?

There are so many teenagers suffering from the effects of low self worth. Drug abuse, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and self harm are amongst the worst today than they ever have been.

We need to catch our children early and assure them that they are loved wholly for who they are and not what they achieve. If you interact with your children with this in mind you may well be pleasantly surprised at what they feel inspired to do.

And as Deepak Chopra says: ‘Cherish them for who they are, not for what they do!’

 

What you can try:

Has your child or teenager made something or written something truly beautiful? Stop. Before commenting on it – ask them what their opinions are on the work they have done. What do they love about it? Why is that piece of work brilliant to them? Why? Then you can agree and encourage.

If they are upset  and feel they have done poorly– ask them why? Encourage them to find their own answers to the problem and solutions. Ask them does it really matter? What can they do to put it right using their own unique way. Don’t give your opinions, help and encourage them to find their own path.

1. Spiritual Parenting- Punishment Doesn’t Work!
2. Spiritual Parenting: Part 1 – Dangerous Expectations
3. Spiritual Parenting: Let Them Be!
4. Spiritual Parenting – I Can’t Mummy!