Secret Slobbery

As I write this I can imagine that you are ensconced in your black leather reclining sofa, watching Saloni Ka Safar, sipping on a hot cup of garam masala chai that you especially prepared for yourself? You have finished all the housework and dusted every nook and cranny of your house. The laundry is drying and even the windows gleam.

You thought that you would rest for a while before collecting your children and bringing them home to eat their freshly prepared meal around your hundred seated, teak dining table especially imported from India. The flowers that you bought this morning in-between the chores, rustle gently in front of the window.

No? You’re not? You are actually trying to surf the net with your children trying to murder each other and your husband complaining loudly that he has no more boxers shorts? At the same time you are scanning the room mentally torturing yourself for not cleaning up earlier. Suddenly your child whines that he is hungry and you realise you hadn’t even thought of dinner and your fat bum hasn’t been to the gym in weeks. The chaos in your house renders it barely habitable and you wonder why you live in such a mess.

I know I do and so do millions of others! But people like my next door neighbour are the ‘cleanest’ people on earth and they have a baby. Their cars are washed and waxed weekly, I can hear the hoover most days and they leave the lights on in their kitchen at night so everybody in our cul–de- sac can peer in. I always look in enviously and with astonishment, not a stain in sight and definitely NO CLUTTER!

I then proceed to jump down my husband’s throat at the bloody mess in the house. It’s not all my responsibility.

But you know we all try to put on our best most uber- capable flawless front to the world, while inside we are dealing with a myriad of problems ranging from dealing with draining family members to keeping the house in some kind of order.

Apparently 99 per cent of us feel some kind of hideous pressure to perform and admit to occasionally feeling out of control from life’s daily chores.

We tend to feel bad about our secret messes, like lots of hair and dust occupying corners of laminate or wood flooring and a colony of spiders in a gap between two cupboards. I know when someone arrives unannounced, I go in to a state of panic about the toilet and hair I can see. I pretend to go for a wee and frantically clean the downstairs loo, and sneakily shuffle around the house picking up the hair entwined with age old dust and bits of chocolate buttons. Uhgh!

Just as Chunni’s and heavy gold jewellery constrained Asian women in the sixties and seventies, (before a large proportion of their children embraced the modern western attire of the Brits) so clutter-free minimalism constrains the Asian babe of the 21st Century.

We are still behind the ‘white natives’ because minimalism to us constitutes using gold plated tissue boxes and flashing lights around the pictures of our Guru’s, demi-gods or temples. But we are fast catching up with the craze for pristine white tiles and carpets to match. I have been to houses where bathroom surfaces are cleaner than their owners, because the poor clutter-free loons can’t ‘bear’ toiletries messing everything up.

Some Asians are keeping cleaners and not all of them are imported brides from ‘back home.’ A couple of mums I know, sheepishly admit to this luxury – but they wouldn’t tell their own mums for fear of a clip around the ear.

So you could be a lawyer with two cheeky children, a full-time job and a four bedroom house, but you will probably feel greater pressure to clean your home at weekends than spend quality time on yourself and the kids.

All Desi Mums, whether in a job or at home can feel additional pressure from various areas of their lives and often these are the direct result of community and societal pressures of the ‘role’ of the woman after marriage. This can prevent a woman taking tentative steps in order to ease her work load by getting a cleaner, nanny or au pair.

Such opinions are deeply ingrained and transcend generational barriers. So really what we perceive to be vastly improved circumstances for Asian women in this country, is really just a masque for belief systems that are still there and expressed subversively in religious and ritualistic practices.

Other exposure, like Asian television and radio, all portray certain stereotypes and images of the ideal female (perhaps unintentionally) and her role in the family. There are families in the United Kingdom that still stringently believe and except the chronic subjugation of women and this will take generations to weaken.
So what can we do to help ourselves and not be so obsessed by futile domestic practices?

• Start by accepting that a messy home is fibrillating with possibilities. It tells people (even if they drop cutting one-liners) that here lives someone with many more interesting things to be doing than putting away socks in alphabetical order of coutry of origin or ironing knickers (people do iron knickers!).

• A house in which everything is ruthlessly tidied away is the lifeless abode of an owner with no soul and harbouring a personality disorder.

• Clutter brings serendipitous finds: Divali cards for a Granny’s that live in the Homeland. Your child’s first scribbling, money, tickets to theatre shows that you loved, former fat pictures hidden under pile of books and many more illustrious discoveries.

• Hire a cleaner, nanny or Au Pair. All three if you can and don’t feel guilty. Our mothers barelycoped, had hard lives and no time. Such things are no longer luxuries and should be regarded as a necessity for any busy mother (If you work and can afford to or give your self a break and save money for this luxury ruthlessly).
*  You don’t have to tell anyone; they can believe that you are superwoman and scoff in envy when they deliberately turn up unannounced.

• Cleaners can be relatively inexpensive these days and cost the equivalent of buying lunch for a week – what would you rather do make your own lunch or have someone come in once a week and sort out your home for you? You can even loiter with the cleaner if you ‘don’t trust’ cleaners – just don’t be tempted to ‘help them’. It will free up lots of time and save oodles of energy (mental and physical) and you could be doing other important things.

• Our friends in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh have ‘home help’ in various forms: gardeners, cleaners, launderers, chefs and the list goes on so; ‘do it yourself and save money’ is NOT a Desi thing!

• Clinical Psychologist, Linda Blair, author of Straight Talking (Piatikus Books, £10.99) believes the, ‘more successful and ambitious the woman, the more likely she is to have an area of chaos in her life because she need a challenge’.

So there you have it, a disorderly house, emotional love life and a pathologically disordered diary is the sign of a woman who rejects a regimented lifestyle and embraces spontaneity. Thus your personal chaotic space can also be the symbol of your personal success and us Asians love a success story!

On a more positive note:

Stay clean, stay sane and go for self acceptance rather than self improvement. The latter is what causes emotional instability and a crazed perspective on life. Now I must put away these boxes before my mum visits….

By Riya Agnihotri

Demeanour for the Ultimate Diva

Forget clothes, forget hair, forget facial hair …(okay maybe I am taking that a tad too far!) but seriously have you , as a stylish young Asian woman , ever given thought to what comes out of your Dior pout? Have you ever contemplated the complexities of your charismatic character and how it appears to the outside world?

This is often something that is overlooked in favour of various studies that have been conducted in favour of changing ones appearance in order to win that dream job, bag that dream man or make your business more successful.

But ultimately beauty in all it’s glorious forms also comes in the guise of self-esteem, self assurance including lots of study -as well practice in front of a non-judgemental mirror! The American industry also heavily promotes the cultivation of personality as well as the more the superficial elements of beauty- like boobs, hair and skin. The Self- Help industry is massive in America and growing steadily in the United Kingdom.

The American’s see mental clarity and super confidence as the first rung on the ladder of success and paramount in accompanying our physical presence in to the world. As an example Bipasha Basu isn’t as symmetrical as Aishwarya Rai Bachan and she doesn’t have the milky hues of Katrina Kaif but the woman oozes sex appeal, positively gleams with glamour and has had the honour of being compared to the iconic Sophia Lauren.
Bipasha Basu has been quoted saying that the secret ingredient in a truly glamourous woman is in the mind. She is aware of her own power and harnesses her body to project a certain image: confidence in herself is what attracts other people to her. Body language, is subtle but immensely influential when trying to win over others.

It has been 11 years since Tom Peters, the American Management guru, published a manifesto entitled “The Brand Called You”. Peters declared that; “In this age of the individual, you have to be your own brand…that’s true for anyone who’s interested in what it takes to stand out and prosper in the new world of work.”

Subconsciously we are all used to celebrities, polititcians and world leaders branding  themselves. Shilpa Shetty’s stint in the Brother House allowed her to brand herself in a big way. Her sophistication and grace won the hearts of the nation and it allowed her to capitalise on what appeared to be ‘Eastern Values’.

Before her live trauma on screen, Shilpa was an average actress. Her carefully constructed beauty and amazing body was an important part of the Shetty brand; but it was her deliberate control in the face of adversity and crisp use of her femininity that illuminated Shilpa Shetty and elevated her status in Bollywood and abroad. Only a supremely intelligent woman can use these attributes but still allow her ‘true self’ to come through. Shilpa was careful (or perhaps it was natural and thus effortless) to retain a genuineness about herself: Doing this negated any possible projection of arrogance and allowed the nation to warm to her. Shilpa Shetty is an authentic fake. Master the art and you too could reach new heights.

Perhaps Shilpa Shetty could counsel Naomi Campbell in the art of glamour and muliebrity. Naomi Campbell may be beautiful but the woman carries little class. Arrogance and aggressiveness is unnatural in whatever form it appears, and such behaviour should be anathema for women. These traits although undesirable in men appear a lot more ‘natural’ and are generally considered alpha male attributes. There are other more productive and effective ways in which to make yourself heard. There is nothing quite like control and effeminacy to compliment your physical appearance.

Personal branding supremo Louise Mowbray, of Mowbray By Design, one of the UK’s only Personal Branding Services admits that the British don’t really want to admit they are working on themselves. This attitude is very different to those New York explains Mowbray: “They happily introduce you as their personal branding consultant.” Mowbray charges about £400 an hour and sixty per cent of her clients can be anyone from bankers to plastic surgeons to someone who owns a series of health clubs. The other forty per cent are those in public eye.

Working on yourself and making clear who you are and the image you want to portray will help you stand out in a company or amongst potential clients and customers as well as investors. If you are working in a company with 8,000 others you can ‘stand out’ by being ‘unique’. Find a subtle way of championing a particular cause or develop a particular area of expertise that you will be valued for. Work on your presentation skills and demeanor.

Try to keep up-to-date with what is happening in the world. Take an active interest in literature, art and politics: It will give you something to talk about socially. Read books by successful people and allow them to ‘mentor’ you. I started with “How To Win Friends And Influence People” by the infamous Dale Carnegie. A brilliant self help company called Nightingale Conant have succeeded in changing the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.  Pick and choose the advice that rings true for you.

Ninety nine per cent of people roll along in their lives without any thought to improving how they appear to others or even giving a thought to what their values are and ‘who’ they really want to be.

Image is not just about taking time out with a personal shopper at Selfridges and learning how to apply make-up professionally. It goes a lot deeper.

Finally in answer to the all too familiar question that is often asked is: “How can we create an attractive, magnetic air without impinging upon our true nature and personality?

Many people feel aggrieved that they should have to change; they say it feel as if they are being dishonest with themselves and feel like impostors in their own skin. Surely we should be proud of who we are and feel unafraid of to express ourselves as best we know how? To try to create a new personality can often be regarded as a preposterous suggestion and an added pressure in an already superficial society.

An answer to this conundrum may well be: You might as well not bother to brush your teeth, style your hair or even bother with clothes – why not really go back to your core and the realities of your naked truth?! Developing your demeanour is all about dressing your soul and deviating from the perceived norms of society – taking that time out to nourish how you come across is an all important task, not to be taken lightly in this current climate of competition; whichever field you happen to be in.

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