Spiritual Parenting: Let Them Be!

So here is a challenging thought: Stop comparing your little cherub with the classroom genius at his school.

Refuse to take part in any thoughts that crop up when you feel as though your child is not on par with others. As Asian parents this may be a tough proposition.

A parent’s natural reaction with their child (at any age) may be to ‘push’ the child. For example many parents say to their children things like: “Little Johnny can do this – let’s try – I am sure you can too.”

Unfortunately the child will hear:
“Little Johnny is better than me and my mummy/daddy prefer him – I want to try to do it because that will make mummy and daddy happy.”

The trick to raising children with a high self-esteem – is to let this mode of thinking – go. If we insist in pursuing this route without realising its potential pitfalls, we could be in for a lifetime of comparisons. We will:
a) feel inferior in our parenting –it is somehow our fault that our child isn’t like anyone else’s or
b) feel there is something ‘wrong’ with our child!

You will then send the subliminal message to your child that in some way he isn’t good enough. It is at this point that he will start to chase a “better” “more pleasing” image of himself. He may then spend his life feeling as though he doesn’t quite measure up in the game of life.

I see and lecture teenagers with a myriad of problems, from self harm to eating disorders and often such disorders often stem from feeling inferior to others or constantly needing approval from others. They don’t know how to give it to themselves. We need to pass power on to our children.

A happy child is one who can be ‘happy’ with themselves. Not happy when someone says they are good, wonderful or intelligent. They have to feel it themselves.

See http://www.ambaraypublishing.co.uk/my-blog/spiritual-parenting-say-no-to-conventional-success/ for an excellent tip to try. The tip is towards the bottom of the article…

Spiritual Parenting: Part 1 – Dangerous Expectations

Below are quotations from Chopra’s book on Spiritual Parenting:

“We always remembered that our children were gifts from the Universe, and we let them know that we felt this way… ”

“We let them know how privileged and honoured we felt to help raise them.  We felt as though we didn’t own or possess them…”

“We didn’t project our own expectations on to them…”

“We didn’t feel the need to compare them  – for good or bad with anyone else.”

“This was our way of making them feel complete within themselves…”

Wow, what a handful of things to think about in terms of our own parenting styles and techniques. Perhaps it’s even a little uncomfortable to read such things because it makes us painfully aware of the things that we are ‘not doing’.

But the beauty of Chopra’s analysis does not concern – doing anything - at all.

On a deeper level, his words are about attempting to bring about an entire shift in mental, emotional thoughts and attitudes, that we as parents have, rather than drastically changing our actions . Only then can we be at some kind of peace with the most difficult job of all.

From my own understanding of Deepak Chopra; I firmly believe his words are not written to highlight the inadequacies of our parenting – they are merely asking us to make a shift in our everyday inter-cranial dialogues!

I was listening to a Pakistani Radio programme today on the importance of fathers in the family. Fathers, within South East Asian Families all over the world are often patriarchal, authoritative figures. The programme expressed the importance of having peaceful, communicative familial relationships and the point was made that Asian fathers often remain considerably aloof from their children – often resulting in negative relationships being carried in to adulthood. These relationships may well lead to other emotional problems in later life.

In my own life, I have witnessed this in almost every Asian family I have ever come in to contact with. Within British Asian families (and I am sure the same could be said in the US) there seems to be a disturbing need to ‘stamp our marks’ on our children.

Western Asian children often grow up with the notions that life decisions about occupations, marital partners, homes etc should be done in consultation with parents. There is a feeling that as children we must ‘please’ our parents and that we ‘owe’ them something for bringing us up.

These traditional ideas of obligation are often perpetuated by the idealism of Eastern notions that we ‘look after’ our elderly and respect them. In fact in Indian Soaps (there are hundreds) we are reminded of the value in archaic traditions.

One example may be the importance of the Indian Bahu (with her blood red vermillion and traditional garb) sacrificing all, to be accepted in to her husband’s family. People seem to applaud the archetypal daughter who massacres her desires to make her parents happy; they almost salute the sons who shun their controlling wives to put their domineering parents first.

Where on earth did we go wrong? The Indian and Pakistani media is a cultural tool and it is still flying in the face of spirituality. It is forgetting the true importance of our individual journey and how supremely important it is to achieve our ‘own’ dreams.

Off course our parents are extremely important. As many Eastern religions purport: parents are akin to Godliness. That I am not denying – because as parents we hold an awful lot of power over our children and this must be utilised wisely – or our children will not be able to fulfil their potentiality.

Next Post: The Ways In Which We Can Try to Alter Our Mindsets -  A Little.

Spiritual Parenting: Some Reflections

I think I am on a bit of a roll here because, all of a sudden, I feel I have found teachings on parenting that resonate with my deepening feelings of spirituality.  In all honesty I was going to overlook Chopra and his Spiritual Guide to Parenting. I felt that people  would misunderstand my frequent reference to Chopra as reflective of Hindu Philospohy. But he is a superstar in his own right; and revered globally!

However Chopra transcends religion in his writing. I say this with conviction – these posts are applicable to parents all over the world and to those that belong to any faith.

Rhonda Byrne’s best seller: The Secret teaches us (in a very simplistic and effective way) about the law of attraction in our lives, with the premise that the world has a divine creator.  This is what Chopra does and thus his work is open to any person who believes in some kind of ‘higher’ force or ‘spiritual being’.  In fact, it could be argued, that his philospohical musings can be enjoyed by those with no such hankerings. Obviously there was a plethora of other books on this topic that people may find just as useful.

The other real issue that I had before embarking on these animated discussions about Spiritual Parenting; was the fact that ‘spirituality’ on any level, especially in our Western World, is frequesntly shunned. We live in a secular world where discussions about faith, spirit, God or divinity are treated with abhorrence or indeed it is perceived to be in the domain of those with serious psychological disorders!

In fact religiosity after 9/11 is synonymous with terrorism.  I hope those of you who believe that there might be something to an alternative (and firmly from a non- religious) perspective on parenting than the conventional Super Nanny dialogues that we are so used to; will find my musings on these topics interesting.

Why Should We Teach Our Children Minority Languages?: 3

Parents need to be aware that: bringing up a bilingual child will affect the rest of their lives and the lives of their offspring.

Many people don’t realise that being bi -or monolingual – will ultimately affect several areas of their lives; including their identity, marriage, where they live, travel, ways of thinking, their employment and social networks.

Children who are bilingual enjoy:

* Wider communication with community/extended family/international links.

* Literacy into languages

* Two worlds of experience

* Greater tolerance of people and diversity

* Raised self-esteem

* Secure in the knowledge of ‘who they are.’

* Achievement at school is often greatly enhanced

* Bilingual children often find it much easier to learn a third language

* Their thinking is exposed to a greater variety of situations which often results in

greater creativity, heightened concentration and sensitivity in different situations.

* Future economic advantage

Young bilingual children, who have to choose between two languages several times a day; often develop a much better awareness of the languages involved in their day to day lives.

They are much better than monolingual children at establishing an abstract connection between letters and sounds. They often become better writers, are more able communicators and effective uses of language because of they have a better understanding of how language works.

Controlled experiments have been conducted and reveal that often bilingual children enjoy greater academic success. This is due to the fact that bilingual children need to have a constant awareness of language and their ability within it.

As we have seen; bilinguals often enjoy greater academic success.

Bilinguals have been shown to excel in DIVERGENT THINKING : this is basically the ability to come up with various solutions to a problem or situation rather than just one solution.

Being able to think DIVERGENTLY is considered to be a pre-requisite and a basic element of creativity. So for example children are often able to think of more than just one use for a paperclip, box etc there are many other tests that have been conducted that show bilingual children excelling in academia compared to their monolingual peers.

Therefore it doesn’t really matter which languages the child is bilingual in – it just matters that you, as a parent, attempt to facilitate your child’s learning into languages.

The beauty of second and third generation British Asians is that they have often had enough early exposure to the language in order to make a start or indeed use the wider community in their endeavours to transform their family into a bilingual home.

So leave your distaste or embarrassment for the mother tongue and embrace – for the sake of your child – a world of new possibilities!

Spiritual Parenting- Punishment Doesn’t Work!

Chopra says on more than one occasion that he brought up his children without reprimanding or punishing them:

“We never felt the need to punish them, although we let our children know very honestly when we were disappointed, angry or hurt. This was our way of teaching of teaching by reflection instead of rules.”

On reading this quote it becomes difficult to fathom how one is to bring up children in this way especially if routine and discipline have been an integral part of one’s parenting style for years.

I myself am a fan of Gina Ford, and if you are at all familiar with her advice and thoughts on rules and routine you will realise how defined her views are on early parenting.

I have to say that on first reading of this statement I sat open mouthed at the prospect of doing away with the ‘sad cloud’ (a friendly word for the naughty step!) I simultaneously broke in to a cold sweat at merely contemplating not being able to threaten my son with withholding his Power Rangers the next time he decided to flagrantly disregard my precious rules.

How could you bring up a child in this hippy way? Surely children need to be aware of their boundaries  and what constitutes appropriate behaviour? I feel fairly strongly about this and wholly disapprove of parents who do not challenge inappropriate behaviour.

However, I decide for the sake of this article, to give it a go. An opportunity presents itself when my son decides to call me a ‘poo poo bum bum head’ when he cannot get his own way. (Toilet humour is the order of the day amongst him and his peers at nursery at the moment – they find it incredibly funny.) However I momentarily decide to go with the confiscation threat (because I couldn’t think of what else to do) however I threatened to take his Power rangers with a lot less vehemence in my voice – my threat was almost polite. It worked.

In the Chopra spirit, I decide to do away completely with the naughty step and instead my son and I have ‘time out’ with him, to discuss his behaviour and the reasons for it. I then explain how his actions feel to me and how they might feel to ‘him’ should the tables ever be turned. So far so good. He stops and thinks about it and after about five minutes of struggle – he agrees. (And no, I am not holding a threat over him in case he doesn’t see it from my perspective).

A few days later my wayward son decides to go for a walk as I study the ingredients contained in an organic lavender foot cream in Boots. After a frantic two minutes of looking for him I find him looking at another little baby in pushchair. My natural reaction at this point would be to be ‘very cross indeed’ and moan for at least five minutes (in a quiet hiss – I don’t want to appear like an out of control Mummy – there is nothing more tacky ladies). However using divine power – I squat to his level and say in the most serene voice I have probably ever used: “Mummy is very upset. My heart hurts, I get very upset when you leave my side – do you want my heart to hurt darling? I thought I had lost you and it didn’t feel very nice.”

Okay, perhaps I sounded a tad too new age. My son also looked extremely confused: he was most definitely expecting me to go in to an awesome rage (this did make me wonder whether at his age this would be a deliberate ‘let’s wind up mummy activity’). Unbeknown to me there was a woman in our aisle who actually had the audacity to snort when she heard the “My heart hurts” bit! I have to admit I would have done the same thing before reading Deepak Chopra’s guide to ‘spiritual parenting’.

The point is – I feel that Chopra definitely has an important point. As parents we often have great demands on our time and it is all too easy to discipline children without the necessary conversation that needs to follow punishment. I think that relinquishing all of the tried and tested techniques to terminate the tiresome and terrifying behaviours, would be a tad too distressing from a parental point of view – especially for  a parent (like me) who relies on these old pearls of wisdom to control a four year old boy.

But – by just explaining my feelings to my son when he does something very naughty or socially inappropriate – it seems to have a different effect. I try to get him to ‘think’ about how he would feel if he was on the receiving end of his own behaviour. For a four year old this is a hard task – a challenging one – but one I feel that he ought to get used to. I take him out of the situation and talk. That’s sometimes difficult for me, but I believe that by encouraging children to develop their intuition and feelings of empathy and sympathy, we are helping our children enormously and giving them the necessary tools to deal with other difficult situations and people.

In conclusion, I have taken Dr Chopra with a bucket of the finest quality rock salt. I agree with his principles but I have adapted them to suit my situation. I have done away with the naughty step and as a result of a single piece of advice I feel I am relating to my son on a different level. I will however keep confiscation as a ‘punishment’ under my belt just in case the new age stuff doesn’t work one day!

Spiritual Parenting: Say NO to Conventional Success

Last week I brought Deepak Chopra’s  best selling work; ‘The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success’ - a search on www.amazon.co.uk revealed that he also  had a book on Spiritual Parenting called: “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success for Parents”. I thought that this work would be particularly pertinent given my website, my role as a Lecturer and above all the responsibility I have as a parent.

The book is not really religious: it is just a soulful insight in to the difficult job of parenting. It includes a wholly alternative way of looking at parenting to the super-nanny form of parenting that  has become so popular – especially in the UK.

There were certain suggestions that touched me and I thought I would just briefly outline, I will start with what I believe to be one of his most pertinent thoughts:

Try to digest this statement:

‘Put no pressure on them (your children) to achieve conventional success. This can be your way of telling them it is them that they are being cherished for who they are and not what you necessarily want them to become.’

I don’t know why, but this really struck me. This seems so simple– almost obvious – but I believe it is something that most parents do not think about. These messages that we give our children are often extremely subtle and over the years – go to the child’s very core.

It’s not something that we would readily like to admit; however I believe that many Asian Families are directly guilty of this type of conditioning.

It boils down to the way that many of us were brought up. I often think about the a comment I heard Meera Syal say on a television interview, that it was not Tony Blair that said “Education, Education, Education” -  it was her mother! She then went on to describe that academic success in Asian households was almost as important as eating or masala chai.  That comment could quiet easily have been made by me or any one of my Asian friends.

The importance of academic success for British Asians can be seen in the exam results at both G.C.S.E. and A Level . British Asians also have the highest rates of going on to higher education.

In my household, as well as other Asian children that I knew, the objections were not even subtle or couched in syrup…disapproval was often direct and fearsome: Why didn’t you do as well as Hannah? Who got top marks in the exam? Why did you get a B – didn’t you work hard enough?

Can you recognise any of these comments? Perhaps you have witnessed or even commented that “ You must work harder at maths – you didn’t do very well in your last test.”

We must look in to this and try to move away from such detrimental attitudes – I am not sure they have changed so much. These are not words of inspiration – they are full of condemnation.
Children are adept at picking up even the slightest hint of disapproval at ‘achievements’. They can and will internalise these comments or even facial expressions, they may strive to earn your approval and if they still fail they may withdraw and stop trying altogether.

Children must learn to strive for their own approval.

Behavioural issues, lack of interest, fearfulness and low achievement at school is often the result of a child that suffers very low self esteem. This can often be the long term  effects of the pressure that the school system and parents put on children. S.A.T’s and testing from such an early age has probably put untold amounts of pressure and negativity on to children and parents – not to mention the teachers who feel as though their professionalism is at stake should the result be low.  Surely such measures are going to convey messages to children that they will only really be cherished if they ‘perform’ to what society believes are conventional measures of success?

It is tempting to nag, criticise, punish, condemn – this often results from our own issues and problems with esteem. It results from wanting our children to succeed but not quiet knowing how to help them appropriately: in a way that is conducive to learning and developing their self image at the same time.

There are many figures out there, but one that I thought was particularly distressing believes that children receive ten negative comments to every one positive comment in an average day, both at school and at home. What do you think that this level of negativity  will do to the image that the child has of himself?

There are so many teenagers suffering from the effects of low self worth. Drug abuse, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and self harm are amongst the worst today than they ever have been.

We need to catch our children early and assure them that they are loved wholly for who they are and not what they achieve. If you interact with your children with this in mind you may well be pleasantly surprised at what they feel inspired to do.

And as Deepak Chopra says: ‘Cherish them for who they are, not for what they do!’

What you can try:

Has your child or teenager made something or written something truly beautiful?

Stop. Before commenting on it – ask them what their opinions are on the work they have done.

What do they love about it? Why is that piece of work brilliant to them? Why? Then you can agree and encourage.

If they are upset  and feel they have done poorly– ask them why? Encourage them to find their own answers to the problem and solutions. Ask them does it really matter? What can they do to put it right using their own unique way. Don’t give your opinions, help and encourage them to find their own path.

What is Happening to Minority Languages?: 2

Our identities are comprised of many facets; and for ethnic minority peoples our identity is closely related to our geographical homeland and ancestry.  The history of our nation, our language, religion and rituals have an irreplaceable place in our lives.

As British Asians our lives are inextricably related to various areas that we often give little thought to.  We walk a tightrope between two very different cultures managing, with expert ease, different languages and culturally varied situations.

But now things are changing for the children of second generation immigrants.  Our first-generation parents had little choice but to bring their children up with a minority language at home.  They often enforced stringent rules that rarely relaxed in the face of defiance from their children who were being heavily influenced by Western culture, foods, languages style and address.

This has now manifested in the third-generation children being less proficient in their ‘home’ languages and  it is becoming obvious that they know little of their ancestral background.

Some children are lucky enough to have frequent exposure to grandparents who still converse in their native languages with their grandchildren. Thirty years ago this knowledge would have been imparted (albeit unwittingly) by parents.

So why has this happened?

Parents today are busy. Changing gender roles for both the indigenous population and the British Asian community has meant both men and women work outside of the home. As a result children, in the most crucial stages of their lives, are brought up with the majority language that child minders , nurseries and schools use.  Unless a specific minority language speaking carer is sought by the parents, the child will grow up with very little exposure to the minority language. This would not have been the situation 30 years ago as mothers were still predominantly spending their lives in the domestic sphere.

Saturday schools in a child’s minority language of choice is not enough to develop adequate linguistic skills in the chosen language.

At the risk of judging parents and perhaps resorting to generalisations, I have found in my research for this book that the majority of parents tend to have negative associations with minority languages.  Whether the minority language is Punjabi, Hindi, Gujerati  or Urdu.  Often they feel that these languages are not held in high regard by the European and western world and therefore parents are reluctant to impart these languages to their children for fear of being ostracised by the host culture.

These ‘community languages’  are hardly thought to have the cultural connotations of French; the sophistication of Italian or the global popularity that Spanish enjoys.

Being bilingual for some British Asians is not something they view with high regard.  They have grown up with their minority language and for some that is (unfortunately)  viewed as  a secondary but a necessary part of their upbringing.  Necessary in the sense that they were required, as children,  to accumulate knowledge in the language in order to effectively communicate with their parents or the other ‘older’ members  in the community. For these people the minority language was and still is, only required to communicate with family and very close familial friends and the elders in the community. It is not something that they view with pleasure.

Now the friendships and ‘work’ networks of British Asians are specifically targeted in the majority language: English.  In fact most global business and networking is carried out in English. If one was to look at factual information 80% of all websites are actually in English.  Therefore any need to keep up minority languages has been eliminated.

These facts coupled with a negative attitude and connotations, minority languages are losing their foothold amongst the majority of British Asians in the UK.

Boys Need Toy Guns For Academic Development!

A little while ago I read an article in a newspaper that surprised me, even shocked me a little; It advocated that boys should be allowed to assert their natural masculine attributes of ‘violence’! Ministers voiced the opinions that this should be an acceptable ‘play’ game.

Latest research is showing that boys should be encouraged to play with toy guns at nursery school because it can help improve their academic performance.

It’s hard to believe that something that we are so against as a society should actually be accepted and reinforced by our education systems.

The Department for Children, Schools and Families said boys aged between three and five had fallen behind their female classmates partly because nursery staff tried to curb their desire for boisterous play involving weapons. Boys were more likely to become interested in education and would perform better if encouraged to pursue their chosen play.

The advice has proved controversial with teachers’ unions, which said that toy guns “symbolise aggression” and teachers were right to stop them being used. They also criticised the government for stereotyping boys.

The guidance; Confident, Capable and Creative: Supporting Boys’ Achievements, said national data for 2004-06 showed that in nursery education, boys performed worse than girls across all areas of learning. It is a pattern which the government says continues up until the GCSE stage. The report illustrates that better results can be achieved if nursery staff curb their “instincts” to stop boys from playing with toy guns and instead make better use of their interests.

“Sometimes practitioners find the chosen play of boys more difficult to understand and value than that of girls,” the guidance states. “They may choose activities in which adults involve themselves least, or play that involves more action and a greater use of the available space, especially outdoors. Images and ideas gleaned from the media are common starting points in boys’ play and may involve characters with special powers or weapons. Adults can find this type of play particularly challenging and have a natural instinct to stop it.”

Our natural instincts do take over when supervising child’s play. I can recall countless times when I have dived to change the channels when violence erupted on the screen. Bollywood can be particularly shaky because film that are a (U) Certificate can contain very violent scenes. Take for example Oh My Friend Ganesha. This is a cartoon based Bollywood film but yet contains some very dubious scenes. Sex is taboo in Bollywood films – but unfortunately mindless violence is still high on the agenda for most directors, even when making films for children.

But from what I can recall I grew up in the late 70′s and 1980′s the era of Sholay style gangster movies. And we seem to have turned out OK. Where on earth do we draw the line? My husband doesn’t see the problem, but I tend to think if he watches it then my son may attempt to emulate this behaviour in Nursery with other children.

The report further specified that -as long as staff helped boys understand and respect the rights of other children. “Creating situations so that boys’ interests in these forms of play can be fostered through healthy and safe risk-taking – will enhance every aspect of their learning,”

Therefore it is not the violent play or viewing of violence that should be curbed – such play should always be accompanied by open discussion as to the implications and negativity of such situations.

Beverley Hughes, the children’s minister, said the guidance took “a common-sense approach to the fact that many children, and perhaps particularly many boys, like boisterous, physical activity”.

But Chris Keates, general secretary of the NASUWT teachers’ union, warned that nurseries following the guidance risked incurring the anger of parents.

“I do not think schools should be encouraging boys to play with toy weapons,” he said. “Many parents take the decision that their children won’t have toy weapons. In addition to that, I think this is a clear example of gender stereotyping.”

Steve Sinnott, NUT general secretary, said: “The real problem with weapons is that they symbolise aggression. We do need to ensure, whether the playing is rumbustious or not, that there is a respect for your peers, however young they are.”

So How Can We Use This Information To Allow Our Boys To Be Boys?

My personal opinion is that everything in moderation is good, good, good. Let boys be boys – but Parents must be vigilant as to the type of violence their youngsters watch on television and other forms of media. Play acting, fighting and being boisterous are great. They are very good ways to burn off  the excess energy that young boys seem to have. My son is four years old now and can tell the difference between play fighting and actual aggression that can hurt others.  However, in all honesty, there was a very long process involved in trying to curb his burgeoning fascination for all things ’violent’.  Now  – he ‘pretend’ fights with caution incase he hurts his peers. There is a steep learning curve and as long as a child’s play is monitored; a boy can have the best of  both worlds.

I don’t think there is any harm with ‘aggressive’ play and from my experience in schools both as a lecturer and parent,  I do believe that schools err on the side of ‘safety’ (understandably!) and  such play can be regarded as deviant, and stamped out by over-zealous teachers. This can hinder the natural instincts of boys. Without going in to the intricacies of boys development, they do learn in a VERY different way to girls and should not be compared to them.

So as a parent? My advice would be to make some pretend guns and get firing….

Have a look at a poem on this theme:  http://www.ambaraypublishing.co.uk/category/writing-for-children/fiction/

Save The Punjabi Language

A report prepared by Unesco in 2008 stated that the Punjabi language will disappear from the world in 50 years. Now I don’t know the accuracy of this report, however I am aware of second and third generation NRI parents who are struggling to ensure that their British Punjabi offspring have an adequate grasp of the Punjabi language that they themselves grew up with.

I myself am struggling to impart the language and cultural nuances of Punjabi to my son. I have therefore extended my writings and interests to cover the area of bilingualism and how this in particular it is effecting the Punjabi community outside of the Panjab.

Language is the only way to retain a culture and as parents we must endeavour to do our very best.

The UNESCO report said the following about language and it’s acquisition :

“A language is in danger when its speakers cease to use it, use it in an increasingly reduced number of communicative domains, and cease to pass it on from one generation to the next. That is, there are no new speakers, adults or children.”

“Even languages with many thousands of speakers are no longer being acquired by children; at least 50% of the world’s more than six thousand languages are losing speakers. We estimate that, in most world regions, about 90% of the languages may be replaced by dominant languages by the end of the 21st century.”

And so – without being condescending in any way – the future of a language is entirely dependent on parents making the time; and putting in the necessary effort required to ensure that a child learns a second language. In this case this would be Punjabi.

For NRI parents this is not as easy as it looks. Punjabi is entirely a second language in the United Kingdom and America. English is the host language and often young children and indeed their parents are confined to making use of their ancestral language only in the home or in the local Punjabi community. With increasingly busy lives and kinship networks becoming disparate, the opportunity to acquire ones ‘mother tongue’ is becoming very difficult.

I believe it’s dilution is apparent in second generation immigrants but it is undeniable in the third and further generation of settlers in the west.

We are firmly in the 21st century and living in an era where International boundaries between states are becoming increasingly diluted and the need to communicate in a universal way is crucial to the success of the world economy.

According to Gobind Thukral (South Asia Post, 64th Edition, May 15 2008) “There are more native speakers of Chinese across the globe, but English is the global language. Initially it was military barracks that forced an imperialist language on the people. English, French and Persian are some examples. Now the emergence of English as the global language has been for other critical factors; commerce, industry, technology, media, communication, the Internet, the arts, cinema and popular music. ”

Thus English is the ‘order’ of the day and many parents – especially in the west – may not be overly concerned that their children do not know Punjabi. It is easy to feel smug that their children are thoroughly westernised and can assimilate fully within this society in a way that 1st generation settlers in the West were never able to do. However Western Punjabi children are missing out on a vital part of their native history and roots, which they may wish to have ties with, or show some affiliation to, later on in their lives and careers. To give children a ‘choice’ is the greatest gift a parent can give their children.

In the blogposts on Bilingualism I have tried to cover the importance of bilingualism – this area of Bilingualism amongst British Asians does need to be looked at as there can be an inherant snobbery displayed by some second and third generation Asians towards Ethnic Minority languages. And we need to know about the positive benefits that can be gained from living a bilingual lifestyle.

Secret Slobbery

As I write this I can imagine that you are ensconced in your black leather reclining sofa, watching Saloni Ka Safar, sipping on a hot cup of garam masala chai that you especially prepared for yourself? You have finished all the housework and dusted every nook and cranny of your house. The laundry is drying and even the windows gleam.

You thought that you would rest for a while before collecting your children and bringing them home to eat their freshly prepared meal around your hundred seated, teak dining table especially imported from India. The flowers that you bought this morning in-between the chores, rustle gently in front of the window.

No? You’re not? You are actually trying to surf the net with your children trying to murder each other and your husband complaining loudly that he has no more boxers shorts? At the same time you are scanning the room mentally torturing yourself for not cleaning up earlier. Suddenly your child whines that he is hungry and you realise you hadn’t even thought of dinner and your fat bum hasn’t been to the gym in weeks. The chaos in your house renders it barely habitable and you wonder why you live in such a mess.

I know I do and so do millions of others! But people like my next door neighbour are the ‘cleanest’ people on earth and they have a baby. Their cars are washed and waxed weekly, I can hear the hoover most days and they leave the lights on in their kitchen at night so everybody in our cul–de- sac can peer in. I always look in enviously and with astonishment, not a stain in sight and definitely NO CLUTTER!

I then proceed to jump down my husband’s throat at the bloody mess in the house. It’s not all my responsibility.

But you know we all try to put on our best most uber- capable flawless front to the world, while inside we are dealing with a myriad of problems ranging from dealing with draining family members to keeping the house in some kind of order.

Apparently 99 per cent of us feel some kind of hideous pressure to perform and admit to occasionally feeling out of control from life’s daily chores.

We tend to feel bad about our secret messes, like lots of hair and dust occupying corners of laminate or wood flooring and a colony of spiders in a gap between two cupboards. I know when someone arrives unannounced, I go in to a state of panic about the toilet and hair I can see. I pretend to go for a wee and frantically clean the downstairs loo, and sneakily shuffle around the house picking up the hair entwined with age old dust and bits of chocolate buttons. Uhgh!

Just as Chunni’s and heavy gold jewellery constrained Asian women in the sixties and seventies, (before a large proportion of their children embraced the modern western attire of the Brits) so clutter-free minimalism constrains the Asian babe of the 21st Century.

We are still behind the ‘white natives’ because minimalism to us constitutes using gold plated tissue boxes and flashing lights around the pictures of our Guru’s, demi-gods or temples. But we are fast catching up with the craze for pristine white tiles and carpets to match. I have been to houses where bathroom surfaces are cleaner than their owners, because the poor clutter-free loons can’t ‘bear’ toiletries messing everything up.

Some Asians are keeping cleaners and not all of them are imported brides from ‘back home.’ A couple of mums I know, sheepishly admit to this luxury – but they wouldn’t tell their own mums for fear of a clip around the ear.

So you could be a lawyer with two cheeky children, a full-time job and a four bedroom house, but you will probably feel greater pressure to clean your home at weekends than spend quality time on yourself and the kids.

All Desi Mums, whether in a job or at home can feel additional pressure from various areas of their lives and often these are the direct result of community and societal pressures of the ‘role’ of the woman after marriage. This can prevent a woman taking tentative steps in order to ease her work load by getting a cleaner, nanny or au pair.

Such opinions are deeply ingrained and transcend generational barriers. So really what we perceive to be vastly improved circumstances for Asian women in this country, is really just a masque for belief systems that are still there and expressed subversively in religious and ritualistic practices.

Other exposure, like Asian television and radio, all portray certain stereotypes and images of the ideal female (perhaps unintentionally) and her role in the family. There are families in the United Kingdom that still stringently believe and except the chronic subjugation of women and this will take generations to weaken.
So what can we do to help ourselves and not be so obsessed by futile domestic practices?

• Start by accepting that a messy home is fibrillating with possibilities. It tells people (even if they drop cutting one-liners) that here lives someone with many more interesting things to be doing than putting away socks in alphabetical order of coutry of origin or ironing knickers (people do iron knickers!).

• A house in which everything is ruthlessly tidied away is the lifeless abode of an owner with no soul and harbouring a personality disorder.

• Clutter brings serendipitous finds: Divali cards for a Granny’s that live in the Homeland. Your child’s first scribbling, money, tickets to theatre shows that you loved, former fat pictures hidden under pile of books and many more illustrious discoveries.

• Hire a cleaner, nanny or Au Pair. All three if you can and don’t feel guilty. Our mothers barelycoped, had hard lives and no time. Such things are no longer luxuries and should be regarded as a necessity for any busy mother (If you work and can afford to or give your self a break and save money for this luxury ruthlessly).
*  You don’t have to tell anyone; they can believe that you are superwoman and scoff in envy when they deliberately turn up unannounced.

• Cleaners can be relatively inexpensive these days and cost the equivalent of buying lunch for a week – what would you rather do make your own lunch or have someone come in once a week and sort out your home for you? You can even loiter with the cleaner if you ‘don’t trust’ cleaners – just don’t be tempted to ‘help them’. It will free up lots of time and save oodles of energy (mental and physical) and you could be doing other important things.

• Our friends in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh have ‘home help’ in various forms: gardeners, cleaners, launderers, chefs and the list goes on so; ‘do it yourself and save money’ is NOT a Desi thing!

• Clinical Psychologist, Linda Blair, author of Straight Talking (Piatikus Books, £10.99) believes the, ‘more successful and ambitious the woman, the more likely she is to have an area of chaos in her life because she need a challenge’.

So there you have it, a disorderly house, emotional love life and a pathologically disordered diary is the sign of a woman who rejects a regimented lifestyle and embraces spontaneity. Thus your personal chaotic space can also be the symbol of your personal success and us Asians love a success story!

On a more positive note:

Stay clean, stay sane and go for self acceptance rather than self improvement. The latter is what causes emotional instability and a crazed perspective on life. Now I must put away these boxes before my mum visits….

By Riya Agnihotri

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